Most of all, I am tired of knowing. Knowing that my eyes have been opened, and that what has been seen cannot be unseen. I am tired of knowing it, when I see something that is wrong. I am tired of knowing that only speaking out can change it. I am tired of knowing exactly how hard and scary it can be to do so. I am tired of knowing that if I am not careful, the fight will eat up my hope and strength, and leave me only with bitterness. I am tired of knowing that I can never turn back to not knowing. I am tired of knowing that despite my fears and exhaustion, I am a feminist.
No, I don’t want to be a feminist anymore – today.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow I think I’ll try again.
I can relate to this post on feministing – particularly the last section above. I know I’m about to kill the conversation, but someone has to mention the elephant in the room. Surely?
Everyday, I feel that I explore a different excuse for why not to open my mouth. I wonder what I am trying to change or achieve. And then I feel guilty for letting things slide. In the end, I am proud that I choose to speak up but I’m still searching for the best way to do it.